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I'm surprised and yet not surprised at my lack of...caring, or any real reaction, about Jessy being engaged.  My thoughts sort of traveled the "huh, that was fast" to "poor girl" to "I wonder if he's cheated on her yet" spectrum before ending up on "damn I got out at the right time..."
it's amazing to think of how off centre, how self-judging and depressed I was when i was with him...never feeling like I was measuring up, when really he was always the one who disappointed and dropped the ball.  Not that there weren't useful things about those five years, but cleanly behind me with lessons in hand is where i want to be. 
Because i'm loving right now...i'm challenged, and busy, and feeling sexy as hell.  Of course, regular love poetry will do that :P Among other things...

Three days until my presentation...ulp.  Now *there's* something to be concerned about...


tonight, I'm exhausted but I feel empty in the best way...I feel right. More than before, when it was just play. Being there, and giving your hands to hold someone's pain for them, so they can see it for what it is and let it go a bit...that's home. That's why I lived, I think. That sounds pretty melodramatic, but the simple fact of it is, we all should have died on that highway, and we didn't...there's something for me to do.

It's unlikely I'll ever discover the cure for some disease, or a way to find free clean energy, or bring about world peace...but I can help others bear their pain by sharing it and sharing what I've felt. It hurts and it feels good...like so many things, I suppose...and I'm grateful that I can.

tonight, I'm by myself but I feel very held by grace.
Being wooed feels...lovely. It hits that little old fashioned part of me that kindles at a love letter, and keeps a smile hovering on my lips all day. I don't know how serious this all is, but I feel lit up these days, and that feels wonderful.

Oct. 15th, 2011

Spent last night at my prof's house after the lab party, killing a bottle and a half of wine and watching star-wars themed videos with my advisor until after 1 AM. Not sure if it was the wine, but the futon in his office is the most comfortable I've slept on, and I'm not even super hung-over.

I totally picked the best lab :)
I don't feel much inclined to write online anymore, but since my paper journal is across the room and I'm on the computer pretending to read articles for my thesis anyways, it seemed reasonable to write this down here.

This has been an amazing and hard year. I've grown and learned so much, and it's really highlighted all the things I have to be grateful for

-my family, especially my Mum who puts up with the brunt of my moods, knows their source and loves me anyways. Always knowing that they're there for me is a life preserver on stormy days.

- friends, like C & B, G & I, J, L, S, and K - the people you can call up and talk to, who will offer an ear or a fun and silly suggestion, who are willing to say "let's go!" when there's things you want to do, and who you can sit beside quietly when you just want to relax.

- being able to move pain-free. I'm discovering more and more how precious this is.

- not worrying about food. Sure, the stress eating is still there, but after my run today, I wanted some almonds for protein and there they were. There was no concern about not being able to eat something because there was simply no food.

- the opportunities before me. All the things I'm learning in school (mostly about how to do independent research), the reassurance of knowing that even if I get laid off, I've got options - full time school, research assistantships, and possibly a trip to India in January, to an ashram. I'd love to go there, but I don't think I'll have the time this year.

- the time to learn compassion. Learning to deepen my ability to be compassionate has been a cyclic road, and at times it seems to vanish. I really think it's improving though, and Sunday's pity was a warm blanket of comfort and progress.

- having time ahead of me. I'm unbelievably grateful to have my life ahead of me, for however long that is. I've got hope and trust in the future, and that's a precious gift. :)

Sep. 5th, 2011

nothing calms pre-first day of school jitters like jeans that make your ass look awesome.
Whirlwind weekend so far, and it's only half done...
I can't believe I leave for Italy in four days. I have so much I need to do. I'm glad I'm taking Tuesday off, although I feel like I should be cleaning and packing right now rather than writing here. I think my brain's at saturation right now and needs a breather. Flow tomorrow will help.

It felt so good to get back to the gym today - my brain badly needed the workout. Pump was good, and after so many days away I managed to let go of enough ego to take the weight off when I needed to. I just need to make sure I'm not cutting myself too much slack. I wish I could afford that training. Seeing Jay was a nice surprise - not that he was overly happy to see me, I'm sure, but the gut-level anxiety I would have had last year didn't show up. Let's hear it for pharmacopeia. It's good to know how much of it was brain chemistry. The biggest win today, though, had to be running pain-free. Physio, as much as it hurts and gives me ridiculous stretches to do (which I fell asleep in the middle of doing last night), is actually bearing real fruit. The test will be running a full 10K outside, rather than a fiver on a treadmill, but I'm still very happy. A bit scared of Tuesday, when we're focussing on my rotator cuff (too late for the end of softball, unfortunately), since Joanna pretty much promised it's going to hurt. My memories of active release with Jason are making my shoulders twitch in anticipation.

Beyond the thrum of nerves and old adrenaline running through me, I feel reasonably at peace tonight. I'm glad I got some closure and a chance to finally apologize for behaving like a nitwit. It feels good to have that onus ticked and lifted, like a peg dropped squarely into its slot. I've got the major school suplies I think I need for september, and I'm pretty close to having all my clothes ready. 41 degrees in Florence next week, though- dear God...
I just have to remember that's why they invented gelato, and why it's my duty to consume ridiculous amounts of it :P

Jun. 27th, 2011

I love feeling strong. Tonight was a double class of body combat and then power pump, and being able to kick and punch and lift heavy(ish) weights made me feel very empowered. My muscles were shaking later when I was taking apart some roses for a project, but I still felt good.
When I went to the gym tonight I felt pretty crappy - long day, stress for my interview on wednesday, and feeling grubby since I wore field clothes to work all combined. (I was supposed to be in Killarney tonight, but my student got sick and cancelled last minute. Health and safety rules say no work partner, no field work D: )
Once I got back from spending two hours pushing myself pretty close to my physical limits, I felt amazing. Beautiful, powerful and strong. No wonder exercise is so addictive.


I can't explain what happened today - it felt like I was in love again, that crazy head-over-heels giddiness and total inability to concentrate on anything. I love feeling like that, I've *missed* it so much and I was delighted to be feeling it today.

But I'm not seeing anyone right now.

I suppose it feels like that because I've been feeling so *loved* the last while - seeing John and Lynda and feeling so welcome, and then all the positive comments at the wedding, and watching Lauren and Ken be so obviously in love as they got married. Today's lunch with Randy and then yoga with Shannon just topped off what's been a love-bomb of a weekend. It's so hard to explain how it feels - like an outwards turning hug inside of me that's opening up like a flower while still making me feel held.

I'm so grateful and in love with everyone right now. :)

May. 30th, 2011

I have the hots for my helicopter pilot...

We just spent two hours beside each other in the dark, watching "The walking dead" on my computer. He told me I smelled nice, which is odd since I smell like the carbolic soap I'm using to try keeping the mosquitoes off (and oh man, are there a lot of them). It's not like anything could ever work out (even though it feels like he's a little interested), but I'm certainly not complaining about the eye candy. Plus, c'mon, he *flies helicopters*.

*late update (april 2012) - turns out he was interested. Most fun I've ever had up north, even if I was waaay short on sleep most of the trip. He's also got the nicest ass I've seen on a guy.*